Ventura Familia

Saturday was Arianna’s 1st birthday and she had a Princess Party!! Lauren had tons of fun!!! And she makes quite a cute princess if I do say so myself!!

We got the results today!!! Lymph nodes – clear, margins – clear, moles on back – abnormal but benign…..WooHoo!!!!! I am beyond thankful and relieved

Surgery was Friday and everything went well. The Dr spoke to pathology right after and they said the lymph node biopsy appeared to be clear at that point. So that’s really good news! We should get the official results from that and the 2 moles from my back some time later this week.

I’m in a good amount of pain. The Vicodin I’m sure is helping but I wish it was helping out a little more than it is. Yesterday the Dr told me I should try to only take it at night and take Tylenol during the day. So we’re stocking up on Tylenol tonight and will try that tomorrow. Not sure how that will go….

Like I said. I went to the Dr’s yesterday. It was so he could change the dressings. He said everything looked beautiful and is healing perfectly. I beg to differ. I took a really quick glance at my leg and I really wish I hadn’t. It looks really disgusting. It’s a huge, gross, ugly hole. It made me sick to my stomach to see it and I feel sick just thinking about it. I don’t know exactly what I thought it would look like but it was a thousand times worse than anything I could have imagined. The Dr assured me the hole will fill in from the skin graft but it will still be somewhat indented. From what I saw yesterday, I can’t believe it will ever look even somewhat normal again. I may be wearing pants for the rest of my life. I’m pretty depressed about this right now. Victor says he doesn’t care what my leg or anything else looks like, he will love me forever no matter what, and I know that’s true. I’m just feeling really self conscious about this. Scars are one thing, I don’t care at all about having scars. But this is a huge, gaping hole right on the front of my shin. Ugh. But it could be worse, I guess. Sorry, but I had to get some of those feelings out…..

I go back to the Dr’s on Friday to have the dressings changed again and I will not be looking at my leg. I can promise you that. We may have results then. I’ll let you know.

Just about 2 months till Disney!!! Can you tell we are getting excited?!?! Too funny!!

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I had the PET scan on Saturday. Mom, Julie, and Brittany came with me and it was really great to have their company! After a very anxious wait, the results were negative! So that means it doesn’t look like the cancer has spread!! The lymph nodes may or may not have shown up on the scan, which is why the sentinel node biopsy is still needed. That is set for Friday.

So on Friday I will go in for surgery. I will have general anesthesia – nervous about that, but I know I will be fine. Dr. Sigman will make the wide excision to remove more from my leg, do a skin graft from my thigh to cover it up, and remove 2 additional moles from my back that look suspicious. Hopefully those come back from the lab as normal, boring moles and not melanoma. We will see….

And Dr. Paulson will do the sentinel node biopsy. They will inject a nuclear medicine near where the melanoma was, which will go up my leg just as the cancer would if it spread. Then they inject a blue dye that follows the nuclear medicine up. Whatever nodes are blue, they take out. It may be one, a few, or all. Then they biopsy whatever was taken out. There may be none but if there is even a small amount of cancer cells found, I will be put on chemo of some sort. Ugh. The blue dye will make me look ashen and sick. The Dr said I will look a lot worse than I actually feel. And it will also make me pee blue! LOL!! That will be funny!!!

As far as the 2 moles on my back….if they do come back from the lab as melanoma, the next step will depend on their thickness. There is no lymph node associated with things on your back or torso so there would be no way to biopsy that to see if those have spread. If the melanoma was over 1 mm thick, as was my leg, they would start me on chemo and do a wider excision. If it is less than 1 mm thick, they may need to still do a wider excision but no drugs would be needed. If they are not melanoma then HOORAY!!

No matter what, once you have had melanoma, it is likely to come back. So I have to be crazy super careful with my skin. I will have to see a dermatologist at least twice a year and wear SPF 50 or higher every day for the rest of my life. I can not be in the sun for longer than 10 minutes without sunblock. And that doesn’t mean just on hot, sunny, summer days. There are always harmful rays that we need to be protected from, whether its sunny, cloudy, snowing, or raining. SPF 50 every day.

I’m nervous about surgery on Friday but I know it will be fine and over before I know it. They aren’t sure yet if they are keeping me overnight. I really hope not. I can’t be away from Lauren and Victor for that long!! I don’t know what I’ll do! But Tanya made me a brag book….it is so cute!! I will fill it with pictures and bring it with me. That will help a lot!

I’m also nervous about going to Florida in October. I’m very excited to go and I know I will have a lot of fun but I am soooo scared of the sun now. For both me and for Lauren. We haven’t been outside very much at all since the diagnosis. I know that with the right protection we are okay but it just scares me. Everyone keeps asking me if I am/was a tanner, if I am/was always in the sun…and the answer is no. I remember getting a few sunburns growing up and I have gone in tanning beds before, but not a lot at all. I don’t like being hot and I don’t like the beach. I’ve always tried to stay out of the sun as much as possible. It scares me that I have been in the sun so little and I still got melanoma. The oncologist said he could take my picture and put it next to the definition of high risk for melanoma. Light hair, light eyes, fair skin. He said I am the poster child for melanoma. And unfortunately, Lauren is just like me. So please do not call me a freak for asking if you have sunblock on or for reapplying it to Lauren and myself every hour. I am going to be as careful as I possibly can. I do not want Lauren, or anyone else, to have to go through this. This has been a terrible experience.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. They are working!! When I first got this horrible news, I thought there was no way there could be a God. It was the first thing I said to Victor when I told him the news. If there was a God, why would He do this to me? Having diabetes isn’t enough?? But after hearing how many people have been thinking of me and praying for me and to get such good news about the PET scan, I do believe in God and He is good. He gave me my amazing family. He blessed me with a loving husband and a beautiful baby girl. He is there, listening to our prayers, making us stronger. I do not know why I was chosen to have so many things wrong with me, but it will make me a stronger person. I will not take anything for granted. I will love with all of my heart and learn from everything and everyone. I have so much in my life to be thankful for, and I really am.

On that note, I want to take a second to thank my Mom. She is amazing. She has come to every appointment with me and has really helped me through this. She worries a lot and I know this has been really hard on her. But she has been very optimistic and also realistic at the same time, which is what I need. She really has been my rock through all of this and I love her so much. She is such a good person with a huge heart. She would do anything and everything for her kids, or anyone really. She truly is the nicest person I know. Thank you Mom. I love you!

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I met with the surgeon yesterday, Dr. Paulson. He’s super nice and he calmed a lot of my fears. My biggest, whether or not me having the melanoma while pregnant could have affected Lauren, was put to rest. He assured me it would not have had any affect on her. Thank God. So much relief after hearing that! Of course she is at a higher risk for getting melanoma in the future because I have it, so we will have to be super careful with her in the sun.

My surgery is set for next Friday, 8/20 at 3pm, though the time may change. Hopefully it’s earlier since I am diabetic and can not eat before the surgery. Either way, we’ll make it work. I’m so glad to get it done and over with. Only problem is, they may keep me over night, and even if they don’t, I may not be feeling too well the next day, and the next day is the JDRF Softball Tournament. I really really do not want to miss it but if they don’t do the surgery that day, they won’t be able to do it till mid September, and I am not waiting that long. Hopefully I’ll be up to going to the game, even if just for a short time. We’ll see!

I meet with the oncologist tomorrow and I am having the PET scan on Saturday. I should get the results from the scan later that day from Dr. Paulson. I’m very nervous to get them…..this scan will show whether or not the cancer has spread and if so, to where. Scary.

On a side note, my good friend Nichole had a breast cancer scare recently, and all tests came back negative!! Such good news!!! So happy for her and her beautiful family!!!! Now we just need good news for me!!

Think positive thoughts!!!

For her 1/2 birthday, she got to try a little vanilla ice cream….and she got her first tooth!!! Such a big girl!!

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So a little over a year ago, something showed up on my left shin. It looked a little bit like a mole. My doctor said I probably bumped it or got a bug bite, it would always be there, it was nothing and not to worry about it. It got a little bigger and because of where it was, I was a little self-conscious about it and asked if I could have it removed. My doctor referred me to a plastic surgeon. He agreed with what my doctor had said, removed it, but said the size and color were a little off, so he sent it to the lab to be safe.

Well, turns out it wasn’t nothing, it’s melanoma. I have to have more removed from my leg and because it will be so much, I’ll have to get a skin graft from my thigh. I’ll also have a lymph gland biopsy done to see if the cancer has spread. The surgeons are working on getting their schedules and the OR available so I’m not sure exactly when that will be happening. Hopefully soon. I’m sick of being anxious. I just want to know the results, whether good or bad. If it has not spread, then I’m pretty much in the clear. I’ll just have to be extra careful in the sun and be checked by a dermatologist a few times a year as it’s likely for melanoma to show up again after you’ve had it before. If it has spread, then who knows? Surgery, chemo, radiation? I don’t even want to think about any of that unless I have to.

I’m meeting with an oncologist next week, on Friday the 13th, just my luck. I have a lot of questions for him and hopefully he can ease my anxiety some, or maybe not. My biggest fear right now is that this could have somehow affected Lauren since I had this melanoma while pregnant. Either way it affects her because now she is predisposed to melanoma and has a much higher chance of getting it some day. Ugh. Scary.

I’ve always said cancer is so scary and I think it may one day completely wipe out the human race. But you can’t even believe how scary it is to actually be diagnosed with it. I was home alone, just Lauren and I, when the doctor called with the results. That was pretty bad. I was crying and Lauren looked at me and smiled. It melted my heart. She brings me so much love and joy and to think I may not be able to be here with her much longer…..scares the absolute shit out of me. But that’s not going to happen. Everything will be ok, it has to be. I am trying to stay positive. I have a ton of support from family and friends, thank God for that.

I promise to update the blog with any news I get. And I may start using this more as a journal of sorts….shouldn’t keep all these feelings and thoughts bottled up inside.

Please know that I love all of you so much. Don’t take any second of any day for granted. And do not go tanning.

Here are a few quotes that I really love right now and are helping me get through this….

The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~Christopher Robin to Pooh